Parenting through the Power of Love and Belonging. Being Enough …continued.
On my previous post, I explored love and what it means for me, particularly with the most commonly known concepts of love i.e. the languages. I have established that love is spiritual, something that can be inherently felt for another as you feel for yourself. It’s built through connection, trust and vulnerability. Love, for oneself and others, I have come to believe, cannot exist without belonging and being authentic. Interestingly, belonging also cannot exist without practicing acceptance and one cannot practice acceptance without living authentically to their true selves. They are all connected and I cannot see how one can separate them.
Sometime ago, I realised I was not being authentic to myself and through some self-reflection and help, I recognised that I had to practice self-acceptance. I had to hold the mirror to myself and face my light and my dark or as some would say; light and shadow. I had to accept they exist and I say this because; in circles where parents relay their experiences, we can be crippled with embarrassment from memories of moments where we have been “dark” (i.e. did/ said something that left us feeling shitty) to our children. We easily forget that there is not an existing human that does not have light and dark in them - the difference lies in the choices we make everyday and how we show up. In parenting, I make the choice of showing up in my best version and when I do not, I recognise the need for compassion by tapping into the most common existence we all have - humanity. None of us are perfect! Practicing self-acceptance has definitely been made easier by learning what it looks like through parenting. I mean, truly, my in-depth growth began when I became a parent.
When I look at my children, I have a deep feeling that I cannot put in words. I only know it exists when I look at them in their eyes and they do the same with me. Can I just say, when a child looks into you, you are seen and absolutely stripped. There is no armour. That is one way I experience love with them. I know in that moment, they love me and know that I belong right where I am. I choose to honour that by doing the same with them. Nurturing children with love and belonging, enables them to have a strong sense of worthiness. Creating an environment that allows them to speak their mind by telling their heart, is an excellent way to practicing courage. I reckon mine are emotionally ahead of me in this practice at a comparative stage / age. There is a difference between allowing a child to spew disrespectful words and speaking their mind. The former requires direction, with wisdom of course, whilst the latter is usually challenging to you the parent and requires an element of emotional maturity.
I do believe that as a parent, you must allow yourself to live a wholehearted life - otherwise you constantly try to do so with your child. In order to live wholeheartedly, a parent has to practice loving themselves and recognising they belong - just as the infant does when they enter the world. This is the cultivation of worthiness. After all, children are educated by what the grown-up’s practice and not what they say. Practice love and belonging for yourself and your children will be educated by it.
Parenting in a way that informs children they are worth it, comes from a parent who also loves themselves and recognises they are also worth it. Worthiness does not have measures that have to met e.g. earnings, achievements etc. Worthiness does not need a constant state of pleasing, performing and proving. It is an acknowledgement of the self in the very moment, regardless of circumstances that you are worthy. When we approach and parent our children with this recognition, I believe the power of love really begins to flow in abundance and a state of belonging thrives.
"Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of a parent,” Carl Jung