Parenting through the Power of Love and Belonging. Being Enough
Love. What an enigmatic noun. It might seem like a universal concept, yet it's expressed uniquely by each of us. While many might assume it has a singular meaning, the reality is that love manifests differently across our individual human experiences. I'm pretty sure most of us define love in our own way. There are certainly common threads, but when it comes to demonstrating love, the actions can vary. This isn't about being right or wrong; it's about our diverse backgrounds shaping our understanding and experiences. We've all been parented differently—by parents who themselves had varied upbringings—and surrounded by relatives and friends who have influenced our interpretation of love.
Dr. Gary Chapman introduced the concept of love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. These are often applied in romantic contexts to help couples navigate their relationships. But does it stop there? I don't think so. I've realised these love languages also play a significant role in parenting.
Words of Affirmation: Parents express love by using words that uplift and support their children as they explore the world.
Quality Time: Spending time with children, which I like to categorise as 'presence' in parenting.
Receiving Gifts: Showing love through gifts at various occasions or simply because.
Acts of Service: Helping children, which is expected for basic needs but evolves as they grow.
Physical Touch: Essential for infants and expressed through cuddles, comfort, and affection.
Dr. Chapman's love languages clearly relate to how we might grow up associating or expressing love. They play a crucial role in the early stages of a child's development, with shifts occurring as they mature.
Infants rely heavily on physical touch and acts of service for survival. As they progress through life's stages, their needs change, and parents must adapt their expressions of love. In early childhood, acts of service, physical touch, and quality time are prevalent. As they grow, words of affirmation and quality time become more significant, reflecting their developing language and social skills. Essentially, all five love languages come into play at different parenting phases.
It's crucial for parents to tailor their approach to their child's developmental stage. For example:
Words: Adjusting language to separate the child from their actions, like saying "That was a naughty thing to do" instead of "You are naughty."
Acts of Service: Encouraging children to try tasks themselves, even if it means they might fail, rather than doing everything for them.
Mindlessly expressing love can hinder a child's development. Words can scar when uttered by someone they seek love and belonging from. Similarly, always stepping in can stifle their growth.
Children possess a pure innocence that makes loving them automatic. They love and affirm your belonging without words. Isn't it fascinating that we all began from this point, yet over time, love and belonging became complex? A crucial aspect of parenting is removing 'if' and 'when' conditions on love. These create conditional acceptance, fostering a sense of unworthiness. A child feeling they must earn love will carry this message into adulthood unless it's addressed.
Many of us have experienced pain from those we love, leading us to build 'armour' through numbing, perfectionism, or self-sufficiency. While this armour can protect, too much of it prevents wholehearted living. Love and belonging require vulnerability—being seen and known while embracing your authentic, imperfect self. There's no guarantee of acceptance, but parenting teaches humility. Children love unconditionally, without prerequisites. They remind me to practice love and belonging, reflecting love back to me despite my flaws.
Defining love is an enigma. It's not any single love language but an expression through all five, linked deeply through spirit.